Throughout life, God will bless you with an infinite amount of resources. You will be blessed with only so much money, time, assets and talents. With each blessing God has given you, He expects you to be a good steward of what He has blessed you with.

Faithfulness leads to fruitfulness

Men, take control

I have often been asked the question: “who should handle the finances of the family?.” Is it the husband or is it the wife? The ‘politically-correct’ answer is ‘it depends’. You will hear many people; even so-called experts say that the handling of the money should be done by the spouse who is better at it.

Our Filipino culture has actually been leaning towards the wife in the handling of the family finances. I grew up in such an arrangement where my late Mom handled the family finances; my late Lola also handled their finances and these two ladies were really good at such.

So what am I writing about? There is a difference between handling the finances and controlling them. I am not trying to espouse chauvinism but my stand is the men should lead the control of the finances. Handling is largely about management, setting budgets, expending, balancing the check book and the like – this can be seen as a tactical directive. Control on the other hand is more on determining the over-all direction of the finances such as maximization of income, general appropriation and the growth of the family income – a strategic directive. Men should take control of the strategic directive – provision of resources, ensuring an adequate lifestyle and the continuation of said lifestyle for a sustainable period. While tactics can be changed depending on the situation, strategy should not as it determines direction.

With regard to handling, I agree that the spouse who is more effective should take over the handling but control is the role of the man of the house. It is the responsibility of the husband to provide first and foremost. It is his responsibility to ensure the welfare of his family. It is unnerving that our society has devolved in this aspect as many men have relegated this function. What is even worse is that we now have an environment that belittles wives/mothers who do not contribute income to the family. Many women feel a sense of insecurity for not being able to contribute to the family’s coffers; something we should debunk.

Firstly, the contribution of the wife/mother in any family is just as important as that of the husband/father; a co-dependency in the family unit. Secondly, any woman who feels inadequate for not being able to contribute financially is being fed a poisonous lie. Her contribution to her family can’t be measured in any conceivable valuation. In a society embroiled in ‘machismo’, it is utterly dumb-founding that our men behave exactly what they detest. Aren’t we less of a man for not taking control, for relegating our primary obligation?

I was like many men before, demanding that my wife needs to contribute to the family income for us to survive the challenges of life. When the Lord impressed upon me that it is time I take control, I obeyed. My wife has been working for the first 15 or so years of our marriage, substantially contributing to the family income. Yet, I know I am not properly fulfilling my role and I took control. By the Lord’s grace, my family is now living with just my income and yet we do not find ourselves in lack, though we go through challenges. My wife, an awesome money manager continues to handle our finances but the control is now mine. When I took responsibility for my primary role and took control, I learned how not to depend on my wife financially. Since I know that I should not depend on her for income anymore, I learned to depend more on more on Christ, the only real source of everything we will ever need.

This blog is not about men being the only source of income in the family. Every family has a unique situation and in many cases, the wife’s financial contribution is necessary. However, the main point of this blog is for men to take control.

Question: Hi, Randell. My child has been working for five years already but I feel that I can do more to help him become financially independent. I’ve been helping him out by giving him a monthly allowance of P10,000, instead of him contributing to our expenses in the house. He was recently unemployed and lives in our house in Manila. I do not want him to have a hard time like I did when I was the same age, but I think he can put more effort into building his savings and becoming financially independent. I just don’t know where to start. It’s so common for us parents to worry about our children even when they’re already grown up. I hope you can help me with this.—Jose, 54 years old from Mindoro

Answer: Hi, Jose. I completely understand what you feel. We Filipinos have close family bonds and this kind of relationship also entails financial bonds unlike other countries where people are considered independent upon reaching 18 years old.

However, there is a fine line between helping your child and tolerating bad financial habits. Remember that doing this to your child today can get him the financial habits he needs for a better future. What will happen if you’re not there to support him? He might panic and get into a dangerous debt cycle because he fears to live below his means.

What you can do is have a talk with your child about the situation. Have an open conversation about the matter and he can voice out the reason why he thinks he is not self-sustaining yet even after working for a long time. I have seen that open and honest communication helps in situations like this; but you need to be firm. You can also clarify the instances where you can help him and when you will let him figure out things on his own. This way, he will become more discerning and not think of you as a financial cushion even for avoidable shortcomings. This will be a tough conversation but a necessary one. I know it’s not easy to resolve financial matters in the household but with the proper approach, this can do wonders for members of the family.

Another way is to still give the P10,000 allowance but make your child work for it. Have him work part-time in your family business or designate specific tasks for him like running errands for you in Manila if you need any help. It should be clear that he is not doing a favor for you so he needs to finish the tasks you assign to him. Your child is an adult now, you no longer have any financial obligation to him. It’s about time he learns that there is no such thing as a free lunch, so to speak. Also, be the example that he will want to look up to. You can’t preach that your child has to have a budget and be debt-free if you are not practicing this yourself. Your actions can serve as an inspiration to him to improve his financial status. Sometimes it’s necessary to impose tough love on our children so that they can value hard work and recognize the rewards of financial independence. We love our children but there are times we need to show tough love; this is the time to do so.

Remember, when we do help, let’s make sure we actually help and not encourage bad behavior, otherwise we do more harm than help.