I thought about a lot of marriage breaking up and it seems that annulments have been increasing in the Philippines and has actually been more socially accepted. So why do marriages end? How can a couple who are really in love with each other end up hating each other? How did “till death do us part” become such a cliché?

I have heard many speakers, counselors and even preachers say that money is the number one cause of separation by a factor of 4:1. While money is definitely a primary concern of many break-ups, there is very little factual data to support such a claim. However, many studies would put money as one of the leading cause along with communication, infidelity, wrong expectation, intimacy and commitment; although not necessarily the number one and by no means a factor of 4:1. Sorry to burst the bubble of some speakers, counselors and preachers – I would urge them to double-check their facts.

Despite money not being the leading cause, it is definitely a concern for many marriages and can lead to the breaking up of marriages. I am not an expert in marriages and I have no qualms about telling people that I can be clueless when it comes to keeping a ‘perfect’ marriage, just ask my wife! However, after 26 years of being together, my wife and I managed to survive the many challenges in our marriage and most of those challenges are financial in nature. By God’s grace, I think our union will survive and continue to be blessed in the next 26 or so years.

Here are some suggestion married couples can consider with regards to finances in their marriage:

1) Communicate & be transparent – I find it disturbing that many couples are unaware of each other’s finances. Even the law acknowledges that a marriage brings union, including their finances and made provisions for conjugal properties. Bereft of any pre-nuptial agreement, a marriage solidifies the finances and everything as now co-owned. Statement of income should likewise be transparent; many problems erupt from false assumption. A wife might be yearning for better family lifestyle thinking that the husband’s income can sustain, only to be dismayed that it can’t. By being transparent and communicating properly, expectations can be managed.

2) Plan, plan, plan. Preparing a budget and sticking to one is definitely a conjugal exercise. I highly recommend that a couple sit down and discuss their budgets, how to disperse income and what to prioritize with their limited resources. A couple must agree on the budget and once a budget is set, they must respect each other by be faithful to the budget. Of course, some flexibility should be exercised as well.

3) Practice family financial planning.  Set up an emergency fund. Think long term — save & invest for the future. Buy life insurance (this really brings peace of mind). Prepare for retirement. Avoid being buried in debt and if you need to take a loan like home loan, talk about it and get counsel first.

4) Practice stewardship. Many issues arise if couples don’t practice stewardship. They need to be responsible and accountable to each other and most especially, to the Lord.

5) Learn from other couples. This is not just about money management, but also about marriage in general. Have mentors for your marriage and please chose those with a good track record for obvious reasons. You don’t need to learn by experience because it is way too risky to experiment with your marriage.

And here’s my most cherished tip for married couples, keep the Lord in the center of the marriage and everything will turn out great. “If they obey and serve him, they will spend the rest of their days in prosperity and their years in contentment.” – Job 26:11, NIV

Throughout life, God will bless you with an infinite amount of resources. You will be blessed with only so much money, time, assets and talents. With each blessing God has given you, He expects you to be a good steward of what He has blessed you with.

Faithfulness leads to fruitfulness

Men, take control

I have often been asked the question: “who should handle the finances of the family?.” Is it the husband or is it the wife? The ‘politically-correct’ answer is ‘it depends’. You will hear many people; even so-called experts say that the handling of the money should be done by the spouse who is better at it.

Our Filipino culture has actually been leaning towards the wife in the handling of the family finances. I grew up in such an arrangement where my late Mom handled the family finances; my late Lola also handled their finances and these two ladies were really good at such.

So what am I writing about? There is a difference between handling the finances and controlling them. I am not trying to espouse chauvinism but my stand is the men should lead the control of the finances. Handling is largely about management, setting budgets, expending, balancing the check book and the like – this can be seen as a tactical directive. Control on the other hand is more on determining the over-all direction of the finances such as maximization of income, general appropriation and the growth of the family income – a strategic directive. Men should take control of the strategic directive – provision of resources, ensuring an adequate lifestyle and the continuation of said lifestyle for a sustainable period. While tactics can be changed depending on the situation, strategy should not as it determines direction.

With regard to handling, I agree that the spouse who is more effective should take over the handling but control is the role of the man of the house. It is the responsibility of the husband to provide first and foremost. It is his responsibility to ensure the welfare of his family. It is unnerving that our society has devolved in this aspect as many men have relegated this function. What is even worse is that we now have an environment that belittles wives/mothers who do not contribute income to the family. Many women feel a sense of insecurity for not being able to contribute to the family’s coffers; something we should debunk.

Firstly, the contribution of the wife/mother in any family is just as important as that of the husband/father; a co-dependency in the family unit. Secondly, any woman who feels inadequate for not being able to contribute financially is being fed a poisonous lie. Her contribution to her family can’t be measured in any conceivable valuation. In a society embroiled in ‘machismo’, it is utterly dumb-founding that our men behave exactly what they detest. Aren’t we less of a man for not taking control, for relegating our primary obligation?

I was like many men before, demanding that my wife needs to contribute to the family income for us to survive the challenges of life. When the Lord impressed upon me that it is time I take control, I obeyed. My wife has been working for the first 15 or so years of our marriage, substantially contributing to the family income. Yet, I know I am not properly fulfilling my role and I took control. By the Lord’s grace, my family is now living with just my income and yet we do not find ourselves in lack, though we go through challenges. My wife, an awesome money manager continues to handle our finances but the control is now mine. When I took responsibility for my primary role and took control, I learned how not to depend on my wife financially. Since I know that I should not depend on her for income anymore, I learned to depend more on more on Christ, the only real source of everything we will ever need.

This blog is not about men being the only source of income in the family. Every family has a unique situation and in many cases, the wife’s financial contribution is necessary. However, the main point of this blog is for men to take control.